It was a regular day at work. My phone vibrated as it received a notification… it was from a BBM group conversation. This group was a community of car enthusiasts in my local area comprised of a bunch of guys who find passion in modifying cars. These communities are typically male-dominated, and this particular group was no exception. The incoming message was a picture of girl posing in front of a camera baring it all, followed by a string of crude comments such as “I would smash that ass all day”. Participants chatted back and forth discussing what acts they would commit if they could have their way with her, while at the same time rating their sexual appeal to the young girl who captured a picture of herself in a provocative pose.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to join in the conversation, perhaps adding something to the effect of “daaaaaaamn”. After all, it was a picture of an attractive girl and to put this bluntly — I’m a guy with a lot of testosterone. Despite my temptation to continue staring at the picture and perhaps add my two cents to the conversation, I closed the conversation, shook my head as I chuckled and returned to work. I wish I could say this was a one-off occurrence, but unfortunately this is something very common — not among car enthusiasts per se, but amongst guys. The physical attraction which the majority of males have towards the opposite sex cannot be summarized using any words in the English dictionary, particularly when you’re dealing with a group of guys at the peak of their sexual prime. I don’t think anyone can understand this better than other fellow males. I do not deny the fact that females can obviously also be sexually attracted to men, however I personally believe there is a huge gap in the way women look at men versus the way men look at women. I think it’s partly natural, but the issue I’m having is that I don’t see the gap narrowing despite all the efforts of the feminist movement. I am clearly generalizing, and despite this being a sensitive issue, I want to give my opinion because I have seen first-hand the problems that result from the degradation of women amongst men.
Our culture has become so submerged with sexuality and the objectification of women. A BMW ad always comes to mind when I think about this. It was a billboard featuring one of their motorcycles with a female model wearing a bikini seated on the sports bike. The caption read, “Take her for a test drive today!” which is clearly aimed to have you thinking, “take what for a test drive? the bike or the girl?!”. While this isn’t too subtle, consider how many different images we see on a daily basis objectifying women. What on earth does a girl have to do with a motorcycle or a can of soda? More importantly why does she always have to be half naked?
I see the widespread objectification of women as the result of various independent phenomenons unfolding in parallel.
It has been estimated that the average female is exposed to over 400 advertisements A DAY telling her how she should look — what clothes to wear, what colour to dye her hair, tan her skin, how to polish her nails and toes, the perfect “ass-to-hip” ratio, desirable breast sizes, and the list just keeps on going. These advertisements subconsciously tell women how to act/appear if they want to be accepted as “hot” or “sexy” in society, and unfortunately has them forgetting how beautiful they are in their natural form. Why you would want to invoke the attention of strangers so they can drool over your body is not something I think I’ll ever understand. In my opinion this is truly a pathetic level of self-consciousness and is an indication of a much greater problem. I may be traditional in my opinion, but I think it’s important for young women to get their confidence and validation from only their loved ones (parents, family and close friends). And in doing so, I believe the emphasis should be on their character and personality as opposed to their physical appearance. Why would you want to impress a stranger who is only interested in fulfilling their own desires and does not necessarily care for your well-being? Even more importantly, your appearance is not really something you have any control over, whereas you can choose to build your personality and character. Ladies, I say this from the bottom of my heart: You are perfectly fine the way you are, and don’t ever be fooled. I assume most girls know this, but for any naïve womenfolk out there, let me tell you the truth… Men will occasionally play games and mess with your emotions, make you vulnerable and deceive you into thinking they like you for who you really are. I’m not suggesting that women should play hard-to-get or build a huge wall around themselves, but take everything you hear with a grain of salt. And that doesn’t mean you have to be a “bitch” either. This is one of those instances where it’s important to use logic over emotion. This is especially true if you find yourself regularly attending parties, social gatherings and bars.
All the sweet-talking, all the free drinks, all the “nice guy” or “bad boy” attitude… it’s all usually for one purpose. But there are also those guys who don’t necessarily care too much about getting laid every weekend and just want to have a good time. I was more or less one of these guys. I found that girls are usually good at picking up on this because this type of guy isn’t very forward, and it’s not uncommon for her to befriend him. Interestingly enough, I can still guarantee, one-hundred percent, without any doubt at all, that if that very same woman (who befriended the male who wasn’t initially interested in a sexual relationship), was to offer the now “guy friend” a sexual favour, he wouldn’t even think twice about it unless perhaps he’s a homosexual. I could be wrong, but it also appeared to me that many of these girls just wanted to “have fun” anyway and weren’t necessarily interested in having casual sex with strangers… at least not to the same extent as their male counterparts. Either way, depending on the situation, I realized it was sometimes more important to give off the impression that I actually wasn’t interested in sex (which was always true because I wasn’t), and you’d be surprised how appealing that was to some girls. Of course this doesn’t always work because there are girls out there with something else in mind, like when a girl told me, “I’m just looking for a guy with a big dick and good credit”. Whatever the case, unfortunately I wasn’t doing this to simply make another friend. No, for me that boat had sailed a long time ago (which will become evident later). For now, my intentions were a tiny bit more complicated than making a friend.
It was always so surprising to me how easily one [male] can make himself sexually appeal to a subset of women, that being the overly vulnerable type, particularly in the nightlife scene. This may have something to do with the fact that I attended a university where males were outnumbered by a factor of approximately 6 to 1, or perhaps it was as a result of intoxication (whether it be drugs or alcohol), or maybe it was simply because we’re dealing with a young demographic who are possibly just a little too naive and self-conscious. All one really had to do was confidently compliment a girl without coming off too strong, come up with some sort of sexual innuendo and maybe buy her a drink and as long as you weren’t “creepy”, you can pretty much be guaranteed that you’ve secured yourself a lustful night of sex. Sometimes the standards aren’t even that high if the girl is feeling especially self-conscious for one reason or another. As mentioned earlier, that part about sex was never particularly appealing to me (although the desire was definitely there), because if I’m just being honest, I could never respect myself or anyone who gives it all up within hours of meeting someone — male or female. I would also feel like a hypocrite, knowing that I would never want to learn about my daughter, sister or mother being on the receiving end of these sort of encounters, especially because it’s all fake and nothing real exists in these interactions.
With that said, my ego would occasionally come knocking and sometimes I felt that I had to prove to myself that I could at least go that far — as if it makes me more of a man. So I would socialize, try to have fun, and as soon as it came to the point where the night was ending or if I just wanted to go home, I would simply leave the girl hanging, often times being extremely inconsiderate and rude in the process. I’m just being real here, I didn’t have a problem doing any of this because in my head I thought, “whatever she’s a ho anyway”. In other words, I thought she deserved it or for some reason wasn’t worthy of being treated any better. I realize how terrible that thought process is now, but I didn’t really see it at the time. My attitude was as such: knowing that I basically deceived a girl to the point of appealing to her sexually — that is, getting her into bed (despite not actually doing it), or performing a sexual favour — somehow made me a man. However, I very quickly learned how this was transforming me into the most pathetic definition of “man” there is, if I am even worthy of using that word. And who knows, maybe I wasn’t deceiving anyone. Perhaps she desired that sort of affair, or perhaps she was the one trying to deceive me. There’s really no way of being completely certain. However, there was no ambiguity it how it made me feel. I have always tried to work on developing myself spiritually and this whole game was not only hindering that process, but at the same it was completely nullifying any past progress.
* * * * *
After coming to grasp with the fact that I was descending spiritually and transforming myself into a worse human being, I put an end to it all. I stopped with these type of interactions and never looked back. I truly tried to focus on getting to know girls for who they really are and not using any prejudices or preconceived notions to influence my opinion of someone I didn’t know well. Naturally, through school, extra-curricular activities and other involvements on campus, I got to know girls closer without the presence of any distractions such as provocative clothing, parties, alcohol, drugs and the like. As I got to know some of these young women, I slowly found myself becoming attracted to them. Not physically, but emotionally. What was appealing to me wasn’t necessarily their appearance, but rather it was their kindness, gentle manner and sincerity in giving advice. It’s worthwhile to mention that not all girls possessed these attributes (as I’m sure you know), but the majority certainly did. It was the emotional connection that appealed to me. I could have lengthy and enjoyable conversations with some of these young women that I could never have with any of my guy friends when it came to certain subjects. Females are just generally more in touch with their emotional/spiritual side than guys, who often try and justify everything using only logic. And that’s not to say that females aren’t logical in their thought process, but I find the overwhelming majority also rationalize their decisions by relying heavily on their feelings and emotions on pretty much every topic of discussion. Having that strong spiritual or emotional connection with oneself should not be discredited as it often is by men these days. I learned a lot about myself through these interactions with girls. I think what prevented me from realizing all of this previously had to do with the prejudices I held as a result of all the influences surrounding me. From the portrayal of women in society at large, to type of boyfriend many girls appeared to be longing for and even the way some women behaved when they went out. A lot of these realizations were actually quite familiar to me and I was sort of confused. I quickly found myself taken back to high school and early adolescence. To a time when I would try my best to be a gentleman as my mother taught me, but was always shut-down or looked at skeptically because I was doing things that apparently weren’t “normal” and perhaps came off a little suspicious. These very same issues slowly started popping up again, but this time I simply didn’t care.
I promised myself that I will always strive to treat women like a real man. That I would treat them with kindness, respect and honour. And while this may sound obvious now, everything was a bit blurry at the time. To give some context to the situation, I wasn’t always the way I described myself to be in the last few paragraphs. You see, my mother raised me well. She taught me to always treat people with respect no matter what. However, it was through my own experiences that I changed my behavior because I realized my environment was different than that described to me by my parents. When I was “too nice” or when I wished a girl happy birthday and bought her a card, maybe a flower, or perhaps some other small gift/gesture that I thought would make her happy… Well, instead of these girls looking at this as an act of kindness, the overwhelming majority saw it as if I was trying to make a move. As if I was doing it because I had *feelings* for her or because I *liked* her, when in reality, I was just trying to show some appreciation for their natural characteristics – gentleness, compassion, understanding, kindness and a sincere sense of caring. Over time, the reactions I received taught me that the old saying was true, that indeed “nice guys finish last”. It especially didn’t help when most of the girls around me were dating guys whom they themselves constantly referred to as “assholes”, but nonetheless continued dating them. From one relationship to another, jumping from one asshole to another. What other message does this send other than, “girls like assholes”. And so I made what I thought were necessary changes to my treatment towards women during my university life, as described earlier. However, thankfully that phase ended rather quickly.
I finally learned to accept the good and overlook the bad when it came to each individual. This was never easy for me to accomplish, and it’s still something I struggle with today and will probably continue to struggle with until the day I die. However, despite any shortcomings that all individuals inevitably have (male and female), I truly believe that all females naturally have the tendency to be kind, compassionate, caring, generous and more in touch with their emotions and spirituality. That’s not to say that males do not possess these attributes, but in my personal experiences I have found these much, MUCH more prevalent among females. I personally believe women embody these characteristics naturally so we, men, can learn to adopt these qualities from them as a result of not possessing them naturally in the same capacity. Only then will we learn how to develop personally and transform ourselves into better human beings.
Unfortunately, this is not something that I think many people understand. So instead, we see everyone shouting “double-standard” on every corner. That it’s unfair for men to be glorified for sleeping around with numerous women (yes, it’s wrong), while a female is labelled a slut for doing the same thing. So instead of trying to make it uncool for men to sleep around with a ton of women, we’re trying to make it cool for women to sleep around with more men, and in the process, we’re degrading humanity and depriving ourselves of the virtuous characteristics gifted to women naturally.
When it comes down to brass taps, when you look at this matter objectively, you would realize that men and women are naturally different. One is not better than the other, we are just different. Each of us possess certain characteristics naturally, and we should be striving to learn these positive traits from one another and helping each other reach our full potential as human beings. Gentlemen, please, let us work on lowering our gaze and not objectifying women so much. Let us stop watching so much porn. Let us strive to respect women and take the time to get to know them for who they are on the inside, rather than how they appear on the outside. Trust me when I say it’s worth the sacrifice of a few minutes of lustful pleasure. Trade that in for a lifetime of love and happiness instead. I cannot emphasize the truth behind the abundance of girls out there who are pretty on the outside but ugly on the inside, mostly because we made them that way. And if you knew the hard truth behind the severity of this matter, you would prefer to trade in the temporary allure of physical appearance for a timeless supply of inward beauty any day. Let us not be so hypocritical by thinking we can mess around (often incorrectly referred to as “having fun”) while we are young, but at the same time expect to end up with a “good girl” or one who is “wifey material”.
One day good looks will fade, but a beautiful heart and mind will stay young even at an old age.
I cannot count how many times I have found myself more attracted to a girl after getting to know her personality/character better, in some cases despite not even having any feelings of physical attraction in the first place. Ladies, unfortunately men are so deficient in this area and we really do need your help. You should know that by dressing and/or acting a certain way, you provoke a certain desire inside the hearts of men that is better left untouched for the well-being of society. I’m not saying that women should not express their freedoms in how they dress or present themselves, but at the very least, be aware of the effects it has on our environment and society at large. It’s for your own benefit too.
The following is an excerpt from a lecture I heard regarding this issue, and I think it’s the perfect way to end:
“The failure of men in imitating women in their natural virtue has resulted in women rejecting the double standard of men and imitating men in their natural vice. The spiritual power of women is great, but so too is the power of their physical attraction to men. It is this power that causes vile men to dominate women, and virtuous men to honor and want to protect them.
But that physical power of the female form over man is a sensory power that veils men from metaphysical meaning. Her sensual form prevents man lost in carnality from knowing her spiritual reality. She is the source of mercy in the world. The Arabic and Hebrew word for womb is “rahem”, from that is literally derived the word mercy, “rahmah”. In degrading women, we degrade the highest qualities of our human nature, in elevating her we elevate our highest nature. When her natural virtues; compassion, kindness, caring, selflessness and love predominate in men, men are able to overcome their natural vices and realize their full humanity. When, however, those virtues are absent, men descend to the lowest of the low and are worse than beasts. In unveiling the outward beauty of a woman, we become veiled from her inward beauty.“